


I Am a Constant Satellite (of Your Blazing Sun)

by jusrecht



Category: Super Junior
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-08
Updated: 2013-08-08
Packaged: 2018-01-09 20:58:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1150724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jusrecht/pseuds/jusrecht
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After SS5 Bangkok, Siwon comes to a realisation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am a Constant Satellite (of Your Blazing Sun)

**Author's Note:**

> Because I keep thinking about this every time I watch a fancam from day 2. Written in a rush, so it's kinda rough and probably doesn't make much sense. 
> 
> The title comes from a Vienna Teng's song, _Gravity_.

  


His first message, two days after they parted in Bangkok, is a casual _“Hey, how’re you doing?”_  
  
Siwon reads it twice, and then pushes the delete button.  
  
  
–  
  
  
The second message doesn’t come until the next day. He is in the middle of a break, waiting for lunch and trying not to let his mind wander to places—or people—it should not.  
  
 _“Are you busy?”_  
  
Siwon leaves it to fester in his inbox unanswered.  
  
  
–  
  
  
The next one, ten hours later, definitely carries the weight of a threat.  
  
 _“I’m borrowing Gabby.”_  
  
Siwon frowns and types in one word: _No._  
  
The reply does not come for some time. Siwon knows why when it arrives, twenty minutes later.  
  
 _“Are you angry with me?”_  
  
This time, he resorts to silence again.  
  
  
–  
  
  
Kyuhyun has been calling him since early in the morning.  
  
Siwon answers none of them. For hours, he is stuck at filming one scene over and over again. He doesn’t make any mistake—none of the actors do—but the mood isn’t right and the director keeps frowning after every ‘cut!’ as if he doesn’t know what is wrong with it either.  
  
At least it makes for a convenient excuse. When he is finally done, he checks his phone and finds seventeen missed calls and three messages.  
  
 _Pick up your phone, damn it._  
  
Stop being so fucking childish.  
  
Fine. See if I care.  
  
Siwon basks in the stinging heat of triumph, even if it’s so very ugly. But the train doesn’t stop there. The real bulk of his revenge comes when Hyukjae calls.  
  
Because this one, he answers.  
  
  
–  
  
  
They meet again at the rehearsal for their Taiwan concert.  
  
He is the last one to arrive, straight from the airport. A nod or a smile is the least he gets from the others, but Kyuhyun stays at the far end of the stage, not once glancing at his direction.  
  
Siwon is prepared for it—in fact, he _expects_ it—but even the wall of expectation doesn’t stop him from getting so incredibly, absurdly angry. Two can definitely play the game, he vows, seething with rage, and picks up the proverbial gauntlet. He wears his silence like revenge, talking to everyone and laughing with everyone but _him_. His arm drapes over every shoulder but _his_ and there is a bittersweet sting of satisfaction every time he does so, because Siwon still remembers Kyuhyun’s face that night and how he always tried to get away from his touches, as if they were thoroughly repulsive.  
  
And so now Siwon does everything he can to hurt him.  
  
  
–  
  
  
It goes on until the second day of the concert.  
  
Siwon repeats everything he did on the first day, but he no longer enjoys it as much. The plan has lost its charms, although he isn’t quite sure why. All he knows is that Kyuhyun looks miserable and the smile he wears on stage is the kind Siwon hates the most.  
  
He doesn’t figure it out until they are resting at backstage during the sixth VCR and someone hits the back of his head. He turns around and finds Hyukjae scowling at him.  
  
“What the hell are you doing?” the temporary leader demands, his tone a scant millimetre away from threatening.  
  
Siwon wants to pretend that he doesn’t understand, but the corners of his eyes catch the sight of Kyuhyun sitting alone in his Loki costume. He looks tired, sad, lonely—and Siwon hates it. He hates it so much that when Ryeowook comes to sit down next to the maknae and a tiny smile blooms on Kyuhyun’s lips, Siwon cannot help but feel like he is the most horrible person in the world.  
  
Maybe Kyuhyun deserves everything he has done to him, but even that excuse doesn’t make it right. Hate has made him forget, for a little while, but now Siwon remembers why he dislikes being cruel. It doesn’t make him feel anything other than disgusted at himself.  
  
When the concert ends, he catches up with Kyuhyun and says, “We need to talk.”  
  
  
–  
  
  
Siwon plans to be diplomatic. He has carefully woven explanations and apologies in tactful sentences and practiced them in the shower and on his way to Kyuhyun’s hotel room.  
  
That plan, predictably enough, flies out of the window as soon as he starts talking. One look at Kyuhyun’s expressionless face and the dam bursts, releasing a flood of hurt he has kept inside for so long. Siwon doesn’t realise how much Kyuhyun affects him until he hears all the words streaming out of his mouth in a frenzied, almost angry torrent.  
  
Kyuhyun is silent, listening with arms folded in front of his chest. His first response, as soon as Siwon is done, is: “Maybe it’ll sound weird to you, but I don’t really like that sort of thing.”  
  
Siwon can feel his scowl deepen. “It’s freaking fanservice. What’s to like or not like about it?”  
  
“I still don’t like it,” Kyuhyun says stubbornly, his eyes hard. “All that touching and kissing and stuff.”  
  
Siwon translates the sharp pain in his chest as anger. “You seem to be just fine when you’re doing it with the others.”  
  
“What?” Kyuhyun looks surprised, then offended.  
  
“You don’t mind touching Donghae or Henry or any of the others. But when it’s me, suddenly it’s such a big deal.”  
  
“That’s not true.”  
  
“Says you.”  
  
“Yes, says me. What are you going to do about it?”  
  
“Fine.” Siwon exhales sharply, giving up. “There’s no use talking about this. All I’m asking is please, for the love of everything holy, get a grip on yourself in tomorrow’s show. Show some effort. Play along a bit. It’s just work, nothing more.”  
  
Kyuhyun doesn’t answer. Siwon stares at him and wonders how is it even _possible_ for their fans to call any of them perfect. The Kyuhyun in front of him is far from perfect. He’s childish, sullen, selfish, and so, so flawed that Siwon cannot help but ask himself _how in the world did you fall in love with this guy._  
  
How in the world did you let him break your heart just like this.  
  
“No, it’s not.”  
  
The voice is faint and Kyuhyun’s lips barely move, but Siwon’s eyes widen. “What?”  
  
“Nothing,” Kyuhyun says quickly, panicked but still defiant. He is such a terrible liar, Siwon thinks, exasperated—and then something clicks in his brain.  
  
And now he feels like he cannot breathe.  
  
“Are you saying it’s not only work? For you?”  
  
Kyuhyun suddenly looks scared, and when he opens his mouth, Siwon knows that it’s going to be another stream of denial (because obviously he is in love with a helpless coward who only knows how to run). But he has had enough of denials and so he just pulls Kyuhyun into his arms and feels how he tenses up, how he turns his face away, eyes squeezed shut, how he tries to get away and does everything he always does whenever Siwon touches him.  
  
Except everything simply makes sense now.  
  
“You’re the type who runs and hides when you like someone, aren’t you?”  
  
Kyuhyun mumbles something high-pitched and unintelligible. A small whimper escapes his throat when Siwon’s lips touch the skin under his ear. His pulse is all a mess, dancing wildly against the gentle press—and this time Siwon just has to wonder _how did you miss this before, you idiot._  
  
“You should’ve said something,” he mutters as they both remain in the awkward embrace, tense but not pulling away.  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
“I didn’t know what to think when you treated me like that.”  
  
“I’m really sorry,” Kyuhyun repeats, voice growing faint, but his hands are clutching the front of Siwon’s shirt. “It’s just… I hate how you always make me feel like this. Every time you get near, or every time you try to hug me, I feel like I’m going to explode. And it scares me.”  
  
Siwon grins, all his hurt and insecurities leaving him in a rush as he presses a short bark of laugh against Kyuhyun’s shoulder. Of course. _Of course_ Kyuhyun treats him differently.  
  
He _is_ different.  
  
(And he has all the proof he needs in this crazy beat against his chest.)  
  
  
 **End**  
  
---


End file.
